Whither the blog

So I went in yesterday for my first ultrasound. Thankfully, the little heart was beating away at 116 bpm and the fetus (embryo?) was measuring spot on at 6w4d. I had been having some spotting since the weekend, so this was a huge relief. 

I’ve also been feeling rather lousy these last few weeks, as my flu morphed into all-day nausea. I know this is a good sign, so I’ve been trying to take it all with a smile.

When I started this blog, I thought it would chronicle my IVF journey. Now it looks like there’s a pretty good chance (maybe 90%?) that I’m actually going to stay pregnant and have a baby in October. I am beyond grateful to have this chance, but I’m not sure right now what to do with this space. I could use it to tell more of the story of DH’s cancer journey, or it could be another anxious pregnancy blog detailing the hurdles of getting through a pregnancy after loss and infertility.

I haven’t received any comments on this blog, but if there’s anyone out there reading who wants to hear more about any part of this journey, just give a shout.

Feeling flu

I’m still here and still ostensibly pregnant.  I came down with the flu this week, and so did DH a few days later.  I had a temperature the first few days, but managed to keep it below 101F with the aid of tylenol.  Now I’m just kind of weak and mucousy. I’d be symptom spotting like crazy if it weren’t for the fact than all potential pregnancy symptoms could be due to the virus.

In the meantime, we’re two sick parents, and one (thankfully) healthy toddler trapped in a small house on a rainy weekend.  Unlimited TV it is, then.

The one where I discover that home pregnancy tests (hpts) are not, in fact, quantitative

After having the shittiest day of anxiety yesterday, it turns out my beta levels are fine. They were 352 today at 16 dpo. I spent the day googling things like “hpt getting fainter”, etc. Let me assure you that there is a wide oeuvre of such posts in forums around the internets. They seem about evenly split between “this happened to me and here’s my 2-yr old, proving nothing was wrong” and “this happened to me and I miscarried”.

I always figured that the warning that hpts aren’t quantitative was about as reliable as the warning that hpts don’t work before your period is due. That is to say, largely untrue. Sure, there can be some quality control issues, especially since the internet cheapies I use are 20 cents a pop, but I figured that the margin of error was reasonably small. The line I got at 15 dpo looked just like the line I got at 12 dpo and way lighter than 13 dpo, so I figured that it was over.

I think that between my first pregnancy that ended at 16 weeks, and DH’s cancer, I now immediately jump to the conclusion that the worst will happen. I did plenty of magical thinking in both those cases, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that things were really really wrong. I guess it feels at this point like hope is for suckers. My case manager from my RE’s office called today I told her I already knew it was bad news, and told her why, and she started laughing at me (in a nice way) and told me my levels were great.

In other great news, I get to stop taking the estrace, which is nasty both because I end up with blue gunk in my lady bits, and also because I suspect it’s also giving me terrible insomnia.

Anyway, internets, let me add my story to the list of those where the darkness of the line on the hpt bore no relationship to the beta level.

Easy come, easy go?

Not that it was that easy to get here.

I tested again this morning, 15 dpo, with first morning urine, and the line was distinctly fainter than the test at 13 dpo.  I know that it might mean nothing, but it also may be the beginning of the end.  I woke this morning at 5:30am and tested and wasn’t able to get back to sleep after seeing the crappy line.

My boobs still hurt, and I’ve already started with the bloody snot that characterized all 8 months of my pregnancy with DS.

I don’t know what to do next.  Second beta is tomorrow, so I guess I’ll wait for that.